Criminal

*

Reviewed by: Angus Wolfe Murray

Criminal
"There are two stories running side by side. When they reach the junction they collide. It's a Hollywood disaster"

It's criminal. It's a criminal waste.

Gary Oldman, with his Smiley haircut, shouts a lot. Tommy Lee Jones fiddles with test tubes like Nero at the fire. Ryan Reynolds is so embarrassed by his blink'n'miss role that his name has been erased from the credits. Kevin Costner is called Jericho. He's a violent psycho killer who says stuff like: "You hurt me, I hurt you worse." Worse than sitting through this film? Unlikely.

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There are two stories running side by side. When they reach the junction they collide. It's a Hollywood disaster.

Story One is so confusing members of Mensa would suffer brainlock attempting to work it out. There is a supra-hacker nerd-U-don't-like, known by the imaginative moniker, The Dutchman (guess his country of origin), who holds the techno key to the world's nuclear arsenals. He wants billions of dollars for it. The CIA, a sadistic Spaniard and some Russian nasties are on the case.

Story Two involves Tommy Lee operating on Kev's brain in order to implant Ryan's memories. Gary is a not-so-secret-service chief trying to clean up the mess. Gal Gadot is Ryan's missus and mother to the all important snuggle factor, Emma (Lara Decaro), who likes Jericho because he has Daddy's vibes.

The violence and confusion never lets up. Watching it is like climbing a rock face, desperate for hand holds. Somewhere lies a clue to the mystery of why these actors agreed to degrade their reputations with such drivel. The answer is more intriguing than their search for The Dutchman's booty.

WARNING: if you don't walk out you may fall asleep. There is no shame in this. In fact, it is encouraged.

Costner survived Waterworld, The Postman and Superman's foster dad. Can he survive Jericho?

Let's not forget, once he danced with wolves.

Reviewed on: 09 Apr 2016
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Criminal packshot
The memories of a dead CIA operative are implanted in a dangerous convict.
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Director: Ariel Vromen

Writer: Douglas Cook, David Weisberg

Starring: Kevin Costner, Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones, Ryan Reynolds, Michael Pitt, Gal Gadot, Lara Decaro, Alice Eve, Antje Traue, Robert Davi, Colin Salmon

Year: 2016

Runtime: 113 minutes

BBFC: 15 - Age Restricted

Country: UK, US

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